My presidential stump speech

My presidential stump speech

Sam Daitzman

Hello Cambridge! Hello NuVu! BEES DESERVE OUR RESPECT. How many of you have ever tasted a crisp summer apple? Devoured a sweet, juicy Boston plum? Did you know that every year, Cambridge produces over fifty tons of strawberries per person? Now, people of NuVu, let me ask you, and you, and you, let me ask all of you this: did you make those strawberries? Did you craft them with your own hands? Every day, every bee across this beautiful town, every bee across this productive state, every busy buzzing bee across our great nation takes its little bee legs and gets to work. Without our bees, we would not have the Boston plum, or the hundreds of tons of strawberries! Bees deserve our respect. Today… I will announce to y’all my brand-new legislation to introduce legal protections on the bee. When I am president, I will instruct the secret service to search every room, every home, every town, every city once every hour, rescuing millions of bees from hopeless deaths in the windowscreens of America.

We need bees to survive. As we read in Bee Movie,

“According to all known laws
of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground. The bee, of course, flies anyway because bees don’t care what humans think is impossible.”

Picture a world with no fruit… We cannot let that world happen. WE NEED BEES TO SURVIVE! Now, bees need our help to survive. Inaction is NOT AN OPTION. It is TIME for ACTION.

Now, folks. Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking to a young man who had some very disturbing complaints. You see, every afternoon he sees dandelions being [fake sob/gasp] pulled from the ground and [fake sob/gasp] murdered in cold blood. I will not stand for this. President Obama has spoken a total of zero times about the importance of plant life. It is time to end this horror! As president, I will extend the same legal protections to all plants.

We need bees. We need them for our fruit. That’s right, bees hand-crafted literally every single fruit you have ever eaten. Bees work harder than any human, and they deserve our respect for their tireless efforts. When I am president, I will extend sweeping legal protections to bees and their food. America. Cambridge. NuVu. The small glass room we are currently in. Bees at every level within our society need our help, and as president, I will protect the bees. Thank you very much.